The Unauthorized Guide to Louisiana’s Raised Cities by Pauline Baird Jones
(Excerpted from The
Unauthorized Guide to Louisiana’s Raised Cities)
New Orleans New, Louisiana
A short history
The original, dirt side city of La Nouvelle-Orléans (now
known as New Orleans Old or NOO) was settled by the French in 1718. An early
chronicler called it “a place of a hundred wretched hovels in a malarious wet
thicket of willows and dwarf palmettos, infested by serpents and alligators.”
He forgot to mention the mosquitoes, but did hit most of the basics.
In 1721, a hurricane knocked most of those structures down.
In fact, the history of New Orleans is one of fire and water. Fires twice
ravaged the Quarter in the late eighteenth century, and in the twenty-first
century, the city was ravaged first by Katrina and then, fifty years later, by
Category 5 Hurricane Chen.
In an effort to save what was left of New Orleans, the city
was raised using alien technology acquired from the Garradians (see They Really
Are Here or Yes, Roswell was Real). In an ironic twist, the raising of the city
returned New Orleans Old to the wet thicket, once more infested by serpents,
alligators, and bugs.
While the raised city retains much of the character of the
original, instead of pothole-riddled streets, transit through the city is
smoother, well, except for some streets in the Quarter, where the legend says
the ghosts of potholes rose with the city—legends vigorously denied by city
leaders who can offer no explanation for the strange and persistent bumpiness
of some transit lanes. For this reason, it is recommended that visitors to the
city use skimmer restraints when riding in any craft with open windows.
Foot traffic is possible in many parts of the city, but
pedestrians are warned to stay inside the safety rails as gravity does remain
in effect if one steps or falls off the anti-grav platforms. If one wishes to
visit the old city, we recommend signing up for a tour (as long as
immunizations and wills are up-to-date).
Most popular attractions
The French Quarter remains one of the most popular tourist
destinations in New Orleans New (or NON). It can be enjoyed on foot or in one
of the holographic horse-drawn carriages, where visitors can still listen to
New Orleans jazz and sample traditional New Orleans fare. (Note: The stone tile
and cobblestone roads are holographic, so the old habit of trying to remove
them as souvenirs is not longer possible.)
The Garden District is, for the most part, still privately
owned, but tourists can either take the air-trolley or hire a pedi-skimmer and
look at the past over holographic stones walls. There are some mansions opened
for touring, but yeah, mostly all you can do is look. Magazine Street is still
famous for its antique stores and always the food.
Lake Pontchartrain was not raised, of course, but to
preserve the special character of the lakefront, there are special transit
zones for crossing this air space and designated air space is preserved for air
board sports, just as if the lake were still there. If you wish to experience
the real lake, local guides are advised, as are current immunizations, current
health insurance policy, and an up-to-date will. Local tour guides also require
next-of-kin information and payment in full prior to departure.
Mississippi River Boat Tours still “paddle” the place where
the river would be if the city were dirt-side. They pass under holographic
representations of the bridges that used to span the river, including the
famous (or infamous) Huey
Long Bridge, which no one really misses, but old timers pretend they do.
The Mayor and City Council would like to thank you for
visiting New Orleans New.
(Even though we don’t endorse this guide, we support all
citizens right to free speech [if they
donate to our campaigns “voluntarily”])
We hope you enjoyed your visit to our city, [assuming you
survived and your next-of-kin didn’t find this among your belongings and are
reading it in an attempt to understand what happened.]
We like to feel that we’ve managed to blend the best of the
old, with enough of the new so we don’t fall out of the sky. The city is
maintained in place by the use of [“new-to-us” refurbished,] anti-grav
platforms fitted with anti-collision boosters, paid for with local tax dollars
and Federal grants, and maintained by the Anti-Grav Board and the
Anti-Collision Board, [who receive ridiculously inflated salaries] while doing
their job to make sure that all of us stay safe into the foreseeable future
(usual disclaimers apply).
You’ll find the names and faces of your city council and
current mayor [plastered every place we could find]. Don’t forget we’re there
for all NON citizens, [except when we aren’t because someone with more money
needs our attention.]
What hasn’t changed, what will never change, is the food,
the music, and a people who are easy in a Big Easy that can often be Uneasy
even in the Future.
Le bon temps roule!
** Items between [ ]
are the opinions of the author and not those of the Mayor and City Council.
About An Uneasy Future Series…
Welcome to New Orleans' and
An Uneasy Future…
Earth date: 2061 Location: New Orleans New (NON)
Welcome to the future. Much has changed in future New
Orleans, but some things never will. The food. The music. The weather. The
crime rate...
Core Punch 1.0
A kiss may be all they have life expectancy for.
When an intergalactic cop exchange program serves up an
alien partner for NONPD Detective Violet Baker, she can’t help wishing the
handsome alien would be a little less Joe Friday about keeping the pleasure out
of their crime-solving business…
Sucker Punch 2.0
Vi never liked math and aftermath isn’t floating her boat
either….
Hurricane Wu Tamika Felipe has moved north. Yeah, the storm
almost killed Detective Violet Baker, but it also blew some romance her way.
Her uptight partner, Dzholh “Joe” Ban!drn actually kissed her...
About Pauline:
Pauline Baird Jones loves rampaging through her characters'
lives like Godzilla because she does love her peril (when it's not happening to
her). Never fear, she gives her characters happy endings. Well, the good
characters. The bad ones get justice.
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